DAY TWELVE


accept what i cannot change

I’m in my happy place.  The weather is turning warmer and I have shredded my heavy winter coat for my light spring jacket. I’m thinking about pedicures and flip flops and, even though there is still snow blanketing the grass, I know there will be flowers blooming in weeks. My forsythia will be golden and my lilacs will be fragrant. Spring is in the air and it is boosting me up. I’m hopeful, as Winter gets ready to fall away, making room for its beautiful sister Spring to make her entrance, that along with my heavy coat and warm boots, I will shed some of the baggage I have been burdened with for far too long.

What I consumed:

  • Cleanse Shake with strawberries, pineapple and banana
  • Chicken with lemon, olive oil and shallots
  • Grilled asparagus
  • Sweet potato
  • Lentil soup
  • 19 gigantic supplement capsules
  • 64 oz water

The addition of the protein is both exciting and scary. Each new food that gets re-introduced lifts the tightrope higher into the air for me. The delicate balance of experiencing and enjoying more healthy foods and my fear of becoming out of control because there are more options for me to choose from intensifies with each day. Nonetheless, I am beginning to feel like I am returning to normal as I get to enjoy protein several times a day again.

How I felt:

Today was another good day. I love the rhythm of my days now. I feel free and independent, unburdened from the rigidity I had enforced in my life. Making a commitment to myself and forcing myself, each day, to make time for myself has been blissful. Even though I continue to be lost in my head, I am enjoying the dialogue much more, finding homes for things that once freely floated about. Some things make much more sense to me while others are still fuzzy and challenging. I have adopted a new habit of sitting down and thinking about things that puzzle me to literally move the pieces around in my mind and help them make sense. Where before they would randomly float through my mind as if there was an absence of gravity, now they become anchored into a spot, fitting into their rightful space. It is calming and peaceful. This provides me with the space to manage the bigger difficulties that still remain orphaned and homeless, for which I need to create shelter.

Physical Activity:

60 minutes on the elliptical. I bolted out of the gym as soon as I was done to get home for a call that ultimately got cancelled at the last minute. That was the theme of my day today. I had a web conference this afternoon that we got stood up for (and I had to get all dressed like a professional person for that one!). Today seemed to be the day to try my patience. But I prevailed.

This morning I was awakened at 4am by a reminder of how overwhelmed I am by this process and how threatening the pathway after Day 21 looks. Like Dorothy on the Yellow Brick Road, I am not clear which is the right direction to head in towards Oz. There are dangerous forests and villains awaiting me and I am trying to find the bravery of the Lion and the brains of the Scarecrow and use what is clear in my heart like the Tin Man in order to guide me to the Promised Land. I awoke from a dream – the first dream that I can recall in weeks – that took place at a friend’s home. I was standing in their kitchen realizing that I had been eating all kinds of junk food. As the awareness of what I had done started sinking in, I was consumed with guilt and disappointment in myself. I had abandoned my commitment. For what seemed like hours, I was retracing my steps trying to figure out where and why I had gone astray. I wailed to my friend, regretful and angry with myself. I kept repeating over and over how I had made a terrible mistake and it felt like all was lost. I woke up startled, taking a moment to collect myself and determine if what had occurred was real or, hopefully, just a dream. A deep sigh of relief emanated from my chest when I realized that I had been dreaming. For years now, my morning wakeup ritual has included an assessment of my food intake from the previous day. Each day begins with a quick check-in of whether or not I had veered off course and, on those days that I had, I felt shame and disappointment. A characteristic of the many weeks and months preceding the start of the cleanse was the disgust I felt each morning, remembering the caloric escapades of the previous day. Like a substance abuser, I had to reconcile my misdeeds and remember who I needed to apologize to. Thankfully, I was the only victim of my bad behavior.

Of course, what I realized as I lay in the dark, staring at the ceiling, is that one misdeed will not determine my fate. Mistakes and poor choices happen all the time in our lives and we seek forgiveness from ourselves or those we have harmed. And, typically, we receive the repentance and carry on with our lives. I read an article today that suggested that people who struggle with their weight actually have more will power than those who do not have to worry about what they eat. That is because we are constantly engaged in the fight. We are always standing at the front line. There is never a time that we get to turn our backs because, when we do, recklessness ensues and we risk being shot and killed. Taking our eyes off the enemy almost always results in epic failure.

When I was driving home from the gym, I thought more about my rehab metaphor. One of the 12 steps of recovery is accepting the things you cannot change. And I wondered how i might relate that to my dream. What is it that I am not willing to accept that is continuing to haunt me and make me fearful of my journey ahead? Surely it is not anything external. Those around me who might disturb me or frustrate me are only small elements of my life. I have the courage and tenacity to take on any of that. I have tackled incredible burdens with my family over the years, regaining control of my fate and walking away from toxic and dysfunctional dynamics. There is decidedly nothing on the outside of me that can truly derail me. No financial woes, work challenges, interpersonal relationships can bring me down because I have already faced each and every one of those demons. The only disruptions that truly threaten my well-being come from inside of me. As I have said many times before, the enemy lies within. Of course, the internal demons are influenced by the external environment and experiences. And, as I have progressed through this process and recognized the need to set clearer expectations and boundaries, I also need to find ways to accept the things I simply cannot change in others – or move on. This way, I can turn my attention to the real battle that is raging deep inside of me.

I performed a little exercise today that I have used with women I have coached in the past. I took a bunch of selfies and stared at them. I stared closely. I wanted to see deep into my eyes and read what was happening under my skin. I tried to look past my nose that I find too wide, my teeth that are far too crooked, my cheeks that are starting to show their age and begin to droop ever so slightly, my neck that is beginning to wrinkle. I tried to see myself beyond my features. This is not a new exercise for me and I have tried before to see myself through other’s eyes to understand what they see. I wanted to imagine what my smile looks like on the outside. How does my face light up with joy? What makes me beautiful? There is so much more to me than what reflects back in the mirror and I just wanted to see inside to understand what radiates out. I have to believe that it is something incredibly extraordinary and, perhaps, if I could see that and feel the warmth of that glow, I could wrap myself up and brave the uncertainties that lie ahead. If I could accept what I know I cannot change, I might learn to love it.

DAY ELEVEN


phyllis diller

Today was a big day!  I made it to the halfway point and was able to introduce protein back into my repertoire of foods.

I remember when I was just getting started with the cleanse (a whopping eleven days ago), I had a hard time imagining myself at this point. I could not see myself progressing through the first difficult days and never believed I would ever actually fall into a groove. I assumed I would simply struggle through the whole process until I got to the end. Plus, the thought of managing through eleven long days before I could consume protein seemed unimaginable. Yet, tonight, when I sat down to dinner with my family and my husband kindly prepared a beautiful plate for me, I first dug into the broccoli and asparagus, the foods that have become my close companions over the past week and a half, before I dared to cut into the most delicious chicken I have ever eaten. It surprised me and was noteworthy. My taste buds have changed a bit and I have really grown to love the experience of eating this way. I would never have forecasted that outcome. My guess would have been this was an endurance challenge rather than a truly transformational experience. Color me surprised!

What I consumed:

  • Cleanse Shake with strawberries, pineapple and banana (this has become my go-to breakfast – love that pineapple!)
  • Lentil soup
  • Chicken in a lemon, olive oil and shallot sauce
  • Quinoa
  • Steamed broccoli with sea salt
  • Steamed asparagus with sea salt
  • 6 dates
  • 19 gigantic supplement capsules
  • 64 oz water

Today was the first time I had to have a business meeting in a restaurant since I began the program. It was just a meeting over coffee and I comfortably ordered a glass of water and did not make excuses as to why. Moment of pride for me.

How I felt:

Overall, today was a great day. I had some moments, which I will share, that were challenging for me but they were distractions from my positive experience. My body feels so good and healthy and I am filled with energy. When I was getting dressed this morning, I took a close look at my face in the mirror and I cannot believe how great my skin looks. My face has lost a lot of its puffiness and my skin is pink and healthy, even without makeup on. I had been experiencing some breakouts on my face last month (nothing like perimenopausal acne) but now my skin is clear and glowing. Even my hair looks more lustrous. Of course, none of this should come as any surprise because I am eating great, drinking tons of water and taking supplements. My body is receiving optimal nutrients.

Physical Activity:

I got to the gym early again today, which afforded me some extra time with the weights. I did 60 minutes on the elliptical and, at last, the 60 minutes are only troubling because I am starting to get bored rather than tired. It is a great workout but I can easily do another 30 minutes if I had the time or the desire. I spent another 20-30 minutes doing arms and abs.  My elliptical workout was targeted to glutes today so I got a good lower body workout in too.

I was speaking today with my friend who originally turned me on to the cleanse to hear about her experience as she is now on Day 1 of re-entry. She finished up yesterday and, like me, she was fearing the return of foods that she had given up on the program. And, not surprisingly, she was reluctant to introduce much back into her diet. I was excited to hear her mindset because I suspect I will be similar. She did not rush out to drink wine or alcohol or enjoy the foods she missed because she really wasn’t missing any of it. I suspect I will be eliminating a lot of foods from my regular diet once I am done because I do not see them as necessary and I don’t want to derail my efforts. I feel so good and am looking so much better that I would rather live without than fall back into a place that was not very good for me. It’ll be interesting to see where my head is in 10 days.

Emotionally, I seem to have gotten used to my disconnect from Facebook.  In fact, this afternoon, my husband gave me a quick update of some things I had missed (some of which were quite funny) and I realized, as he was talking, that I have forgotten what it is like to participate in the Facebook banter. I am not sure that I really want to go back there either. I kind of like my freedom and anonymity. It has opened up room for other things in my life, like spending more time at the gym. A much healthier diversion.

As I continue to mention, I am extremely plugged into my emotions and how and when I crave food. Today, I got very angry about a situation I was dealing with. I was struggling to find an outlet for my anger and found myself walking around my kitchen looking to eat something. I wasn’t terribly hungry and I knew that I was trying to soothe myself. I pulled a container of lentil soup of the refrigerator and filled a cup and heated it up. I turned to my husband and admitted that I was emotionally eating. Admittedly, I did not have a big lunch but I did not need to eat at that moment. But I did. Sure, it is not the worst choice of comfort foods and was completely on the plan but I would have preferred to have not succumbed to the food at all. I wish I could have identified a better way to manage my feelings. Clearly, still a lot of work to be done there. I love Phyllis Diller’s approach in the quote above and wish I could be that intentional and focused about dealing with my anger. It definitely consumes me in many ways. This is not something that will be remedied in 21 days but I think I am taking some good first steps.